Tag: love

i am 33 today

and it feels different. it feels big, like an initiation of sorts. like a real milestone birthday. 33 is also a mastery number in numerology. the more i learn about my birth chart the more i begin to understand why my life has gone the way it has. major internal transformation is embedded in my DNA, so says astrology. so when im in a period of isolation, i stop questioning it. saturn in my 12th house is asking me to transform my solitude into something of discipline. pluto in my 9th house signifies a profound metamorphosis in one’s approach to learning and belief systems. “one doesn’t simply decide to “become more spiritual” with Pluto in the 9th. it tends to arrive in the form of existential earthquakes: a loss of faith, a near-death experience, a crisis that tears the veil away from the comforting fiction of control. and through this wreckage, the person doesn’t find dogma—they find depth.” pretty much.

today was simple. all i wanted was solitude. me, myself, enya and my speakers on full blast. i took an everything shower, washed my hair, did a face mask. i wore one of my favorite silk pajammie tops and flowy pants. i screamed and i cried and journaled and i sang and i danced and i stared at myself in the mirror.

on this momentous evening of my first night of being 33, i would love nothing more than to ramble on and share some of the most impactful life lessons i have learned thus far in my human experience.

i only hope to continue on this winding, magical journey towards enlightenment, acceptance, consciousness and love. and i hope i never lose my sense of humor along the way. a lot of the times i notice spiritual content and people aren’t really bringing the humor. and it’s like come on can’t we be enlightened whilst giggling? can’t we, gurus? i hope this year allows me to take bold steps into my desired future of purpose (while cackling loudly). i hope this year helps me fill in the gaps. i hope this year says “jump” confidently. i wish to be continuously guided and protected by my ancestors. there is true excitement in my heart today that hasn’t been present in many many birthdays. like not to get hella emo but im usually fucking saaaaad on my birthday. i have so much piscean energy in my chart that by the time my birthday arrives, there is so much piscean energy in the air already and it ultimately leaves me in tears having a meltdown drowning in a sad pisces birthday puddle. but not today! and thats something to be excited about.

*switches gears aggressively*

i thought my awakening would arrive like sunlight. but instead it came like the tide. it was pulling, unraveling, taking what no longer belongs. i have drowned in old versions of myself. i have resurfaced with salt in my lungs.

i have learned that rage is information. rage is a boundary screaming for you to LISTEN when you have tolerated too much. rage is not evil or regression. rage wants to be honored and then transmuted.

i have learned that sometimes grief from other chapters of your life waits until you are emotionally safe and regulated enough to feel it and process it. never fight this urge of grief when it randomly surfaces. say hello to it and be nice, for it has been waiting for the perfect moment to be felt. and when that urge should arise, cry. to cry is to release.

i have overcome (sort of) the seemingly impossible: living in proximity to what activates me and what has wounded me, without becoming numb. (living with my emotionally immature, unhealed parents)

and in the same breath, i have learned that holy fuck– YOUR ENVIRONMENT MATTERS. and you can count on your nervous system to always tell you what environment fits and which ones you’ve outgrown.

i have learned that to experience range is to have emotional depth, and that is a very good thing. going from primal fiery rage to enjoying a sunset to dissolving into a bath, to tears. emotional malleability is strength. ❤

this ones really important. i have learned that i am here to merge the celestial with the terrestrial. to walk the middle path. to be divinely inspired but still accountable here on earth.

i have learned that when i dont know what step to take, the best thing i can do as an emotional generator (human design type) is stand still until i do. otherwise, im wasting my precious life force energy spinning my wheels. this has been quite difficult for me to actually embody because of my adhd and spicy brain and burning desire for ACTION! (aries moon)

i have learned to work with……. *gulp*…… SATURN. (uugghhhhh) big daddy saturn restricts us and limits us and can be a total boner killer. but big daddy saturn is ultimately asking us to achieve mastery in certain areas of our lives depending on our past lives and the karmic debt owed in this lifetime. it is important to understand what that is. saturn has taught me what i actually need in a material sense. living on my saturn line (astrocartography) has reset my value system. uh but don’t be fooled, it’s been a rough ride.

i have learned that love is not a passive feeling. love is a catalyzing, motivational force. love is something that emanates from the inside and is directed outside of yourself.

i have learned that true change occurs not by being the opposite of my mom or my dad, but by consciously choosing differently.

i have learned i can stop defending myself against my childhood fear of what i am, and instead start embodying the truth of how i intend to be (i have internal family systems therapy and family of origin mapping “FOO” to thank for this one)

i have learned that it’s not self-sabotage when you literally did not know better. FORGIVE YOURSELF. now that you know better, you can do better.

this one’s a doozy. looking to fix and save others is the quickest and easiest way to avoid looking at and living in one’s own truth. this lesson took me years to learn and is the reason for every single prematurely gray hair on my head, but it is undeniably paramount to my spiritual awakening.

i have learned awareness is the foundation to change. we cannot adopt that which we do not understand or cannot perceive.

i have learned that when all else fails, you follow the god damn spark. FOLLOW. THE. SPARK. let it lead you to joy. that’s where we wanna be hanging out. with joy.

i have learned to never doubt the value of whatever you are going through.

i have learned that once you have awakened, there is no going back (to unconscious realms). once your mind has expanded, there is no going back to the old reality.

i have learned this is a lonely road a lot of the time. but it’s also a journey i will never give up on. because i literally can’t. (see above).

i have learned healing is the priority. not the speed at which you take steps to heal.

the most important thing ive learned in this life is that you dont have to fix your family in order for you to evolve. you are allowed to grow even if they stay the same. and not only are you allowed to grow, you are capable of growing. in fact, it’s especially imperative that you do.

i have been set free by learning just last week that your parents’ limitations and stagnancy do not define your destiny. you are free.

so why are you still in that cage, little bird?

you are free.

you always have been.

26 and cognitively distorted

I can’t tell you how happy I am to be digging this blog up from the grave. But my mind is also overwhelmed with where to start and what to say– because there’s just so much! The last 6 years have been the most transformational, humbling, healing, painful, confusing, lonely, beautiful years of my life. 6 years ago, I was 26. I had just returned back to The States from France due mostly to logistical reasons, my teaching job had come to an end and I was quite frankly PANICKED. I was the opposite of grounded during this time. Unfortunately for me, I wasn’t taught to ground, nor did my body know to instinctively do it. I didn’t understand what I needed to give myself. If only I had known the necessary healing that was in store for me. I sigh and I wince as I type this, because of course I wished things had gone differently. That’s hard to admit. A friend of mine was just about to move to Spain at the time and she had expressed wanting me to be involved in a new venture of hers in Barcelona. I remember being on the phone with her, frantic about money and my Visa and all the things that I didn’t have the answers to. I’ll never forget her saying to me, “I think you’re letting fear get in the way”. She was right. And I knew it. But I didn’t know what to DO about it. It’s hard to say what would’ve happened if I had tried to stay over there. Because what I needed wasn’t just to overcome my fear, I needed to overcome myself. I needed to REGULATE my nervous system. I needed to create safety within the confines of my body. That’s a tall order for a 26 year old who didn’t even have a therapist at the time. That kind of soul healing and unlearning takes time and daily practice and support and acceptance and self-awareness. All of which I had tricked myself into thinking I didn’t have. My cognitive distortions were running RAMPANT. I had all sorts of limiting beliefs, self-destructive thinking patterns and I was selling myself massively short. I simply didn’t know what I didn’t know. I wasn’t tapped in. I was hurting. I didn’t realize the feeling of being on edge and perpetually worried was actually a choice I was making and not a reality I was forced into. I also didn’t know there was a way to heal that part of myself. I thought that part of myself was simply who I was, no changing it. That was the age for me, where I was just becoming aware of the fact that I actually knew nothing. That everything I thought I knew was either a construct, a projection from someone else or a conditioned belief, not actually part of my core being. I hadn’t yet begun pealing the layers off, and therefore I wasn’t able to see myself.

When I lived in France, it was the first time in my adult life where I actually felt removed from all of the conditioning I had grown up with. I was thousands of miles away from everything I ever knew, and there was a delicious amount of freedom in that, it felt like GOLD and I wanted to desperately hold onto it. Returning home felt like defeat. I was a deflated balloon. I felt like someone was forcing me to put up my white flag. “I give up. This freedom was nice while it lasted. But clearly I’m not meant to actually escape my former reality. Otherwise, why would I be on a flight back to the desert?” It was such a unique and striking kind of pain that if I close my eyes, I can still feel the sensation in my bones. When I was living in a different country, on my own, I was for the first time– my own person. No one knew who I was. They didn’t know my name or my family or my past. I could pretend to be a completely different person if I wanted to. But was it really pretending? Or was it becoming? BECOMING a completely different person– the person I was always meant to be. The person I’ve always been before the world made me feel like I had to be someone else. And why did I feel I could only really blossom into this person, in a completely different country? What’s up with that? Is the conditioning really that strong at my origins? At age 32, I can honestly say yeah, it was and it is. America just isn’t for everyone. And it’s certainly not for me. I rebuke social conditioning as if it’s a sin. To me, France represented freedom. Say what you want about the French but those people do not hesitate when it comes to exercising their right to free speech. Travel represents freedom. Because as soon as you step foot onto new soil, you are metaphorically released from the shackles of who people think you are. All of a sudden, you’re just being. You are just existing. You are who you think you are. Not who others have been crafting, curating, expecting in their minds. There is suddenly space. There is ROOM. SO MUCH ROOM. But the thing is, I hadn’t explored the inner depths of myself. I wasn’t friends with my shadows. I hadn’t dared yet peak behind the curtains of my darker thoughts. I was still running from myself, and I used France as a tool to facilitate more distance. But what I was about to learn that there is no running from self. Wherever you go, there you are. And that was an excruciating reality for me.